living with colour

2007-10-18T12:52:00.000-07:00

I am feeling very sentimental at the moment. I watched one of my favourite movies of all times - what dreams may come and cried my eyes out...again.

Especially at the part where the entire family unites in heaven after going through so much hurt, separation and confusion on earth. It was beautiful. I started imagining my family and me meeting in heaven after this life is over. After all, our lives are so very short, for me, for my parents whom I love so much. But my eyes were on heaven and I can almost feel the joy of that day, when all of us shall unite in Christ again.

Tears are gently rolling down my cheeks thinking about it.

We will see each other again, thank you God for all the hope you have placed into my life. I love you! I love you! How can you possibly take all of us sinners into your big big house? Thank you so much!

I must tell my friends more about Christ, so when the day of separation comes on earth , we all know we will meet again..

I can't imagine the loss of someone that is so close to me. I don't know what that kind of pain is like. I do however know that my heavenly Father has promised a heaven for me and you too, a place filled with joy and love. He had wipe away all my tears, and my heart will sing with praise!

I love my dad. He is truly transformed in Christ. He had left behind his prideful days and surrendered his very being to God. He is my bestfriend, my comforter, he cries when I cry because he loves me so much that he felt my pain. He did his best to make me comfortable at home, and compensated for my mum's temper. He took me into his family and did what many men can never do. He brought me up with so much love. He is slow to anger and shows unfailing love. Though he's not technology savvy, and he can't speak flawless english or remember my friends' names all that well. I am so proud to have him as my dad!

This year, he turns 60. I wish that I was there with him, taking photos as he blows out the candles. I missed it cos I had school. Daddy, I love you and I'm so thankful you are my father.

2007-10-11T11:16:00.000-07:00

If you really knew

What you don't know can lead you to the extremes
Shunning help though you feel a need
You fear to be caught limping and you lose your place
And "Leaning On The Everlasting Arm" is not your taste
Maybe you've heard those stories,
Laughed at what you saw on TV
Or felt disgust as He was used as an excuse for bigotry
But I've got to tell you,
that's not what it's all about
'Cause the truth I know will turn you around

If you really knew
You would change your mind
If you knew the God I know
You would have the time
If you take a chance,
I'm sure you will find
Everything you need in love of another kind

I, too, have been hurt by those who claimed to show the way
It was crazy, their two faces like night and day
But you don't stop believing 'cause you once been burned
In everything, there's a lesson learned
Man is imperfect, there is just One Perfect Soul
So much more loving than than one that you've been shown,
oh How long is it gonna take for you to realize?
I wish that you would open your eyes

If you really knew
You would change your mind
If you knew the God I know
You would have the time
If you take a chance,
I'm sure you will find
Everything you need in love of another kind

I apologize to you,
On behalf of the untrue
Because the God I know would never do the things they do
Mercy and compassion on the right and on the left
Can you give anymore than your last breath?
Oh, too hard to see, well put your mind aside
And stop using fear to hide behind

God's love is enough for you
And it's waiting, if you only knew..

2007-10-11T10:44:00.000-07:00

How Great is thy faithfulness!

God is our provision, the living bread, the everlasting water.

The past year as I struggled to find footing in OCF Flinders, He was there accompanying me through my feelings of loneliness, disconnection and exasperation. He trained me in patience, love and Spiritual stability by engraving in my heart a strong conviction of God's will and God's character.

He is a defender of the widows, the father of the fatherless. Wouldn't our Almighty Father look upon OCF Flinders which is small and humble with compassion and love? Trusting that character of God, I stayed on despite feeling awkward at times, left out at others. Despite all that, God who planned for me to stay on had not abandoned me during the completion of His will. Wherever God leads, I will follow. Wherever God leads, the Holy Spirit that lives in me will be also.

For all that God has done, for all that God has entrusted me, I will continue to use in full. For the Lord has filled my cup and His Spirit will continue to lead me through green pastures.

2007-09-11T15:49:00.000-07:00

I just returned from Melbourne and at the airport on my way back, I was so in love. I am so in love. With Ber. He is my bestfriend, comforter, encouraging me, loving me, taking such care of me all the time. He is so patient when I'm slow or lazy or senile. He drops everything he's doing (laundry, eating, cooking, studying) and gives me hugs when I stretch my arms asking for them..

He gently challenges me to reflect on my flaws, pray for change and work at it.

Most importantly, I see his child like heart for God. In his own quiet, serene way, he loves God with all his heart, soul, mind and strength. He would offer assistance wherever help is needed. Looking back, he is a completely new creation - a changed man in Christ. Gone are his short tempered days, or his defensive, prideful comments and thoughts. Gone are his unloving words and actions. i see every one of the fruits of the spirit in him - self control, patience, love, selflessness. He had displayed mercy on the undeserving and showed love to anyone that comes his way. And amazingly, he seeks comfort from Jesus daily. He believes whole heartedly in the goodness of the Lord, and God's promises to us.

I am so thankful that God has given someone like him to someone like me. I am really really undeserving of such a blessing. If this union is according to your will Lord, help me into someone that could give to Ber as much as he has given others. Give me the strength to bring him comfort and be his faithful wife that brings him joy and ease of mind. Provide me with the wisdom to see his troubles before him, so I may ease his burdens in life.

But Lord, please allow me to continue loving Ber second to You. Let my eyes be focused on you Father always.

2007-09-10T09:40:00.000-07:00

My baptism is coming soon. 30th of September.

Upon much thought, I've decided to ask Ber to accompany me in the water during the baptism. Besides my family, he there knew me best through my struggles and growth. He saw me through many of such ordeals and he helped me out them too.

Furthermore, I thought it would be most symbolic for him to be the witness of my ceremonial proclaimation of Jesus as my first love. Just as God will bear witness when I get married to Ber - my second love:)

2007-08-26T22:02:00.000-07:00

Last Friday the OCF new committee has been revealed.

I think the nominees have definitely demonstrated their devotion, and commitment to OCF flinders and they deserve a pat on their back for being recognised as so.

I am really happy that Sumi, who has always demonstrated his sincere heart of love to others, is going to be OCF president next year! It is an exciting time for everyone, and I'm comforted to have him as the shepherd guiding OCF flinders to where God wants us to go!

But not forgetting the vice-president who will be assisting Sumi along the way, all the way! Suria. What can I say? She is a wonderful girl. Full of cheer, energy and quick to lend a smile everytime:) It's a delight to have her on board as the VP too.

As we celebrate the beginning of a new chapter, I also pray for Alsen, and his co-workers who had done such a great job this year! They had truly been exhausted and stretched thin at times, but God provides and replenishes, and with that, they continued for the Lord like mighty warriors! An applause for them. Kudos!

2007-08-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

Today in BSF, we had to recall some of the promises God has made to us. The few that were brought up are as follows,

" I will never leave you nor forsake you." - Joshua 1:5

' " For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ' - Jeremiah 29:11

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29:12-13.

One of my favourite verses that clears any shadow of doubt of God's grace, and my redemption:

" Because of the Lord's great love we are NOT consumed,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is thy faithfulness." - Lamentations 3:22-23.

" But seek first His kingdom and his righteousness,
and all these things will be given to you as well." - Matthew 6: 33

Lord, before I look at the world and the people around me, help me to see my own shortcomings first. Rid my life of bondage (of sin), and may I repent relentlessly whenever a sin is found. Then Lord, give me the communion of the Holy Spirit, and the Authority to speak into the hearts of men and women. Let me fear not the consequences of speaking in Truth, instead Lord, let everyone who listens know that I speak the truth.

Lord as I face persecution by friends - especially the Christian ones - I know that You are with me. As they judge me as crazy, radical or fundamental Father, You know my heart. Only you understand the depth of my sorrow and rejection. But your will needs to be done.

Therefore Father, let me be guided by your will and not by the desires of my heart. Even as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I know Lord, that you are with me. Empower me, Father. Test me. Bring me suffering and loss and pain if they can test my character, mould me into a fruitbearing Christian. Bring those into my life and take away all that I have Lord...but leave me only with my faith in You.

Then when I regain all that I lost, people can rejoice and say that my Lord is God Almighty! Halleluiah!!!

Whatever is your will Father, may it be executed through my life. May I be a living sacrifice. A sweet incense. A light on a hill. Salt for the nations. Let me be a sweet sweet sound - bringing Good news from afar!

Though I long to be with you in heaven Father, continue to give me life. So I may bear fruits, and from my tree, branches will burst forth and even more fruits will be born!

Though our days are numbered Lord, mine is filled with Hope in You. I rejoice in You! I love you!

2007-08-20T07:33:00.000-07:00

I still find it wonderous that the One who created the oceans, the beautiful stars, the diverse species of creatures big and small, had also chosen to make me.

How amazing. The same mighty hands. The same intelligent plan. I am truly thankful and in awe:)

2007-08-15T07:33:00.000-07:00

Lord, the sky is still blue

for my hope is you

you're the joy and the dream that's still alive.

like the wind on my back and the sun on my face

you are life you're grace

You are blue sky... You are blue sky.

Blue sky (point of grace)

2007-08-15T03:56:00.000-07:00

A real story

I'll be sharing a real story today.

It's a story about a middle aged man and 5 teenage boys. But if you read on, you will realize how this story is so much more than that.

The man was poor, and mentally handicapped, his occupation was to pick and sell used cans from rubbish bins. He carries a huge dark blue canvas bag with him where ever he goes, in case there were used cans that could be recycled for 5 cents each.

The man was haggard and dirty, his hair was mop like and covered his creased forehead. He walked with a slight limp and he suffers from occasional epilepsy attacks. His mouth was always half open and his words are slurred and slow.

But if you looked carefully, you'll notice that he had a pair of beautiful blue eyes. A pair of beautiful eyes that had seen poverty and suffering rather beauty and splendor.

Now to the five boys.

The five boys on the other hand had clean clothes on. Their age ranges from 13 to 17, and they hang out around Rundle Mall every afternoon, skating on the pavement or finding entertainment at all the wrong places. All these boys shared something in common - their sceptism towards love. In response, they were rebellious though timid when they got into real trouble. All of the boys live on the dole and some of them find life so dull, meaningless and depressing that they resort to slashing themselves, leaving huge nasty wounds. Some of them lived inside the walls of a psychiatric ward, while others simply numbed their hurt and disappointment at the treatment of the world in other ways.

When the man and the boys met, there was trouble brewing.

Daily, the boys would taunt the man, grabbing his huge blue bag from him and throwing it into the air, leaving bottles and cans spilling out onto the pavement. They pulled his clothes and tripped him. The man ran around with a limp and grunted desperate sounds, he went berserk trying to take back his bag. He was played with like a monkey in the middle, desperation and helplessness was evident from the look in his beautiful blue eyes.

The man became so angry and helpless, he dashed into Supre and grabbed five tops from the first rack he could see. He threw the clothes at the boys, missing terribly, before running frantically down the main street.

There were plenty of eye witnesses, there were alot of sympathetic bypassers. There were even people who had anger stirring in their hearts as they watched the boys with scorn.

People watched on with righteousness moving in their hearts, but hopelessness guiding their actions.

God however had greater plans.

God knew that admist the crowd, there was one random person who had been feeling guilty about not helping someone in need before.

God who reads all our hearts also knew that the frantic man was feeling extremely ridiculed, rejected and forgotten by Him.

God too knew the hearts of the boys. Peeling aside their rebellion and tough front, they were lost children angsty towards the world. They hated their parents for leaving them. They hated themselves for not being loved. They hated life, nature, beauty, serenity because their insides were at war. A great part of them wish to be cuddled, cared for and nurtured by a loving Father. They want to cry in His warm and strong arms, as He wipes every tear away from their eyes.

God the creator of all things knew all this. In one swift moment, He brought the three groups of people together.

As the random stranger stood up and defended the weak man, she felt no fear. As she calmly picked the man's bag off the floor and held it firmly in her hands, she knew that God is her defender now. With God on her side, who could be against her?

The boys approached her and she shared her heart with them. She told them their actions were very hurtful and it is wrong. Please stop, she said.

Then the boys asked her why she was digging through her wallet for money. 'It's for the poor man', was her reply.

Then the boys started sharing their life with her. They told her how poor and sad their case was. It was clear their motive was to gain pity and money. The random stranger told them she was on 'centrelink too but she is going to give them some money to share with the other friends.'

"I am giving you the money not because I am rich. I am sorry for the life you have gone through. But please realize that there are people out there with even crappier lives. There are people suffering even more than you. Like the poor man, frantically running down the main road. You could have injured him."

Then she said what she wanted to say the most -

"If you think no one cares for you or loves you, you are wrong. I know someone who loves you more than yourself. God loves you."

She passed some money to the kids and tears welling up as she watched them go off.

Then God brought her to the man with his bag still held in her hands. She passed him some money but she was not given a chance to tell him God loves him. He was busy muttering to the police who had arrived at the scene.

At that point, the person sneaked away and dissolved into the crowd.

The story is about God's love

The story is essentially not about the man, or the boys or the random stranger. The story is about God.

It is about God defending the weak through different avenues. It demonstrates God's love towards all His children both the lost and those found.

It is about God's overflow into believers' lives, giving them the extra-phenomenon courage, peace and compassion.

The law of righteousness could be so ambiguous. Who was to be blamed when the boys tormented the man? Are they not all victims of the imperfection and sins of this world? Are the boys not the victims of their unloving families, their separation from the companionship of God?

Men have fallen, but the great news is, God sent His one and only son - Jesus to die on behalf of our sins, to in turn defeat sin and death by rising from the dead three days later!

Now, if we have faith in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Saviour in our hearts, and declare it with our mouths, we are saved!

Never will man need to be separated from God ever again. Men may live with God by their side forever, starting from today!

It is only through a righteousness from faith that men could clear their sins and be made perfect in Christ!

This righteousness through faith comes with the love of God, which then manifests itself in the love of all that God has created. It is a love not of this world, fed by fuels out of this world.

Because God has done all the above for His children, the random stranger loves God. Because God justified her and everyone else even before their births, she is thankful. She owes God her life, both on this earth and her eternal one. The mightiness of God is so great that she does not even deserve to kiss His beautiful feet.

With God as her role model, the random stranger started on a journey to be more like Christ!

" This is the message you heard from the beginning...
This is how we know what love is:
Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.
And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers...
Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."

1 John 3:11.

At the same time, this story is about God hugging the man and showing him that there is a God looking after him. And though the random stranger did not get to tell him, God really does LOVE him.

Lastly, this story is about God planting the seeds of knowledge in the hearts of the boys. God's work has started though incomplete in them. But God will never give up on them. We are all God's baby and He longs to catch us when we fall, to cradle us in His arms again.

"And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl.
And remember when you walk, sometimes we fall...

so Fall on Jesus Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live."

"Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain,

then Cry to Jesus, Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live."

come to Jesus, come to Jesus. Come to Jesus and live."

2007-08-14T08:53:00.000-07:00

God's been calling out to me since I became a Christian last year, but lately His mighty voice is getting louder and clearer. "Love me, serve me, love others, serve others." The burden of loving others, has weighed heavily on my heart. It distracts me from my studies and other social activities. The word of God stays close to my lips, and I find fellowship with its absence to be a waste of precious time.

Loving Christian brothers and sisters

We need to stay close through God! Christian relationships without Jesus is based on sand as fine as that of the secular world. True that we should get along and live in peace because we are all brothers and sisters in Christ and we are going to spend eternity in heaven....

BUT that is not all. We are the people sent by God to function as a body(1 Corinthians 12:14-20), and support each other by all means, to glorify God's name and expand His great Kingdom! With all these adversity "out there", works of Satan masked with humanity - discouragement from unsuccessful evangelizing, temption to do wrongs/bad, occational splurges in the enjoyment of life's abundant entertainments (e.g. prank calls, getting smashed on the weekends, buy 5 dresses at $100 each, politely share the embarrassing life story of a 'irritating girl {bitching}, ignore the drunk beggars hanging out around Chinatown) We have to work together, without any member, the body would be incomplete, with either a missing limb or a missing brain. We are each other's best friend, supporter, lover, companion in our growth in Christ. This great multitude of roles we have is used by God to shape us. This is part of God's great promise, we (Christians) might be few but we are never alone! God will spare enough Christians no matter how fast the values and believes of this world deterioates. For that we must give thanks!!!

God knows our heart, He understands that the mere knowledge of having other fellow Christians suffering humiliation, yet rejoicing in the name of the Lord, is a powerful encouragement!

As God has encouraged and comforted Elijah in 1 kings 19:10,14
When Elijah said,
v 14 - "I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too."
v 18 - The Lord said to him, "...Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel - all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and all whose mouths have not kissed him."

Hallelujah! Just when Elijah thought he was all alone and all the Jews had turned against God, and he was battling a lost cause... God revealed that Elijah is NOT alone!

We in the family of God now are like the precious 7000 people reserved by God. We must stand in faith with each other that, and our bond runs deeper than superficial or convenient friendships. Like soldiers on a battle, we share the camaraderie of bonds stronger than brothers. We trust each other with our lives and similarly we would lay our lives down for each other. True fellowship in the presence of God is intense, filled with conversations about battle plans, strategies, encouragements and forgiving love. As we share one compass (the will of God) and trudge through enemy territory (a world with where "God is dead"), listening to the same Commander (prayerfully through God), looking to combat enemies (love and testify to the lost)... we cannot help but love each other so intensely that we live in true loving fellowship.

God's Calling

As I was saying, God's calling is growing stronger and more affirmative with each passing month. I started having hope for all - the revival of the believers, the faith of the lost. I have hope that God will carry them into His mighty presence and soften their hardening hearts, caress their aching hearts, and remove all their anger, hurt, disillusionment, hurt and troubles. God wants everyone to come to Him and receive redemption, and I am so excited for them, that I want to be part of this!!!

Like a puppy dog filled with excitement when the owner is leaving the house - I leap with Joy and enthusiasm, bouncing around God saying "Take me! Take me!!". I praise God for this desire and passion that is not of my own.. I thank God for this burden that consumes me day and night. Now the thoughts of witnessing has become my mission statement. All that I do, all that I say, I long for the communion of the Holy Spirit. I watch myself closely. A small slip of the tongue, or a vulgar act could tarnish my image as a Christian.

Though I am free from sin, I truly belong to God. All that I do or say, or occupy my mind with is a testimony of who I belong to. I belong to a loving King who has shown me grace and mercy. I was sold to a King doomed for death, but upon my arrival, the King clothed me in satin robes and slaughtered His fattest cows. I was the VIP guest at the feast. Though Anticipating death, dirt, ridicule and ultimate rejection, instead I was given the gift of life and love. Like a lost child who had finally come home, I am greeted with a hero's welcome. For this gift of life, I happily belong to God. I wholeheartedly long to serve this King - one filled with mercy and grace - truly deserving of my love and submission!

I look up to the works of God, I love God for all His characteristics, His unchanging love. I love the works of His Hand. All of creation, He created. How can I not love you, she or him? When the same mighty God moulded them from dust? When the same King that had welcomed me - a dirty, unworthy slave - into His adopted family, wants to save even more like myself? How can I gossip when the time could be used to encourage, build up, love and testify my King's glory? How can I repress the joy and excitement of my discovery of the biggest secret of life? When all the answers to who we are, why we are alive, where we will go, hinges on Jesus Christ? How can I hold all these in and not share when I watch my King's heart break and weep each day over the lost? How can I bear to not share?

How can I say enough how amazing is your love? How can I keep from shouting your name? I know I am loved by the King, and it makes my heart wanna sing! In response, I want to love the King back and be a messenger to bring the Good News!

A heart for the people God has made needs to be nurtured. Patience and perserverence needs to be refined by God. As my relationship with God grows, I identify the serverity of sin, the seriousness of not believing in Christ. At the same time, God has placed in me everlasting love - undiscriminating, consistent, God like love. As this love grows, my blind eyes are opened to the woes of the people around me. Their loneliness, stress, their financial needs, academic needs, their search for answer and truth. I am beginning to empty myself of judgemental, divisive thoughts - the Muslims will never convert they are too religious (but there is hope in all the lost!), the Aussies don't want to know God, they are too happening (but every human living without the companion of God is missing something), some international students are just here to make friends, they don't care about God (firstly, who am I to judge the intentions or the hearts of man. Secondly, if that is the case, praise be to God for bringing them amongst the Christian community. May God use us to testify, and turn them from "fellowshippers to believers")

As I learn to look upon the people around me with compassion, adoration, grace, God triggered in my heart the need to love. Sacrificial love. The type with so little returns, it is basically for FREE. God has ignited this all consuming FIRE within me, to go crazy for God!! Just as I abandone self (reputation, looks, charms etc), God came in and provided plenty. Now I am a known Christian in Law School after my annoucement about the Mission Trip earlier in the year. My true identity being exposed to light at last! With this comes heavy burdens. People will judge my King, Lord, Saviour by what I do. Though nothing I do could do God's greatness true justice.. but some things I do can demonstrate a fragment of the grace, mercy and "out of this world's type of love". I cringe in shame and pain at the very thought of being less than loving and patient, giving and gracious towards my course mates. How can I strive for anything short of perfection, when the power of Christ is within me, to be free from sin? I am no longer dead in sin but is alive in Christ. What excuse do I have to be talk badly about others, to be impatient with those around me, to indulge in occassional selfish thoughts. As I strive on to serve God, I strive on to serve all those around me. To be a follower of Christ, I need to humble myself to serve the people of the world. I wish to exhaust my strength every day for the Glory of God our Lord and Saviour!! Praise be to His name! Praise be to His Kingdom!

New Projects

I get slightly quesy thinking of the ministries God is gently leading me to. God knows of my passion and He is increasing speed and taking me alongside Him. IF I was jogging in fulfilling the works of God 2 months ago, I am now starting to break into a run. There is so much to be done but so little time!

After pursuing to be in the committee in OCF Flinders a couple of weeks ago, God spoke to me and reminded me to be the lowest of servants for Him. And for that, I am glad once again to submit to God's beautiful plan! Instead of being bogged down with meetings and adminstrative concerns, I am a free member of this blessed organisation! I can use my time meeting unbelievers, counselling believers (brothers and sisters in Christ), baking cookies or wedges for fellowships (i'm really not very good at baking:[ ) I continue to pray in obedience with love.

I thank God for every situation in my life today - being in Flinders University, being an 'international' Australian student, being apart from Bernard, having an non-believer grandmother whom I love with all my heart, for my 'fatness' because it keeps my vanity in check, for my new home - AACC (where I am given ample opportunity to grow, forge lasting friendships and serve). For each of the circumstances above, I have so much to write about, but the entry has to end soon. To conclude this section, I must say that God is amazing, He provides (may it be delivered in the form of suffering or direct blessing).

I trust that I continue in my walk with God, His Hand will nudge me forward and strive to finish the race set forth before me. As I commit more time for loving the people around me and prayerfully looking for opportunities to spread the Good News, God is with me. Hence, there is NOTHING to fear. The Hope of God is shining bright onto the whole world! Let me, let us be a part of this hope:) Let our feet run to the dark alleys in this world, let our mouth and hands unveil the coldness and darkness of the world around us!

You're the overflow. You're the fountain of my heart. Let your mercy rain! Let your mercy rain on earth! You're the faithful one, let your mercy rain on the world! How deep, how wide? How long, how high, is your love oh God? You're the overflow!

2007-08-07T05:04:00.000-07:00

Romans 10: 14-15

" How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in?
And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard?
And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?
And how can they preach unless they are sent?
As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"

What a logical and beautiful explanation for why our feet ought to rush to bring good news!

Salvation comes to those who confess with their mouth "Jesus is Lord" and believe in their hearts that God raised Jesus from the dead. It is that simple.

But how are people to believe or call on God's name if they have never heard of Him?

Who will bring good news to those living in remote areas of China, Russia, the Indonesian islands? Where will that stream of hope shine from if evangelists fail to make it there?

Lord send me, you have placed this great great burden into my heart for the past year. So Lord, send me. Send my feet to the places least trodden. Spend my strength oh Lord, use my limbs to climb the steepest mountain, or to cross the most rapid rivers, strip me of my luxuries Father. So I carry no burdens on my journey home, instead, equip me with determined footsteps fed by Your very hands. Lord i know you will provide.

Lord, the harvest is Great indeed. Though the labourers are few, let each worker toil to their last breath, spreading the Word like forest fire, brushing aside all inhibitions and limitations. The only voice we hear is the voice of God, not that of men, or family or friends.

God commanded us to be filial but His Greatest Commandment is to love God above all else, and to love our neighbours as we do ourselves. How then, can we watch our neighbours live ignorantly and not share with them the only path towards eternal life?

As I make plans for mission trips in December, I am very aware that missions might replace my family's precious holidays. My family is always busy, or apart, and it is only for 2 weeks in December each year that we can spend time together.

But Luke 9: 61-62 keep recurring in my mind: The cost of Following Jesus

" Still another said, " I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodby to my
family."
Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the
Kingdom of God."

I feel as though my loyalties are divided, but deep down I know where my feet are meant to go..

In the same way, I question my relationship with Bernard. I ask God to reveal His plans for my life, the direction of His ministry I'm intended for.

Bernard's calling is to heal people through medicine, but the target group God has placed into his heart is the exact opposite of mine. He feels for the rich, the proud, the 'wise' but obviously LOST. He was one of them, but now he truly sees.

My ministry however lies in the weak, the poor, the brokenhearted, the hungry, the sick and dying. When I am at the height of my spiritual life, I always imagine my future to be similar to that of Mother Theresa's. My entire life dedicated to the orphans, the kids struck with AIDS, the hungry and diseased, the bullied, the abused, the abandoned.

So anyway, back to Bernard... Sometimes I just wonder if he is the one God has planned for me. Will our path coincide in the future, especially if he is going to stay in the cities, while I live in the outskirts of the poorest countries. Will our desires and passions today change in the next few years? Or will we just disobey our callings and compromise, by being less radical Christians.
Where we hold respectable jobs, have a comfortable home, complete with sound investments, dogs, cars and kids. Every holiday we visit some foreign country to relax and rewind from our work, family and church responsibilities. But oh, of course! We slot in some mission trips every now and then, since missions are soooo important in God's eyes.

For those that are about to misinterpret the above - what I had described was not a mockery of Christians today. In fact, it is Christian families like these that are the pillars of our churches and Christian community today. It is people that these that warmly invite non-christians into their homes, or host bible study so people may know more about God's words. It is families like them that give financial assistance to poor students like myself who want to go for missions. It is families like them that bring up children who infiltrate into the secular world and make positive changes from "up there". I love these families, and so does God.

But sadly I fear that might not be my calling. I don't know for sure, I will give it further time and prayer. God will reveal all to me in His own time. Whatever it is God has planned, I know that it will be for the Glory and the Service of His Kingdom. And with that, I rest in peace.

2007-05-31T07:01:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I last posted an entry.

Well what can I say?

I just wanted to drop in and wish my friends well.

Shu yan: I really miss you, and want to know how you're coping. Pls let me know alright dear?

OCFers: Study hard with the love of God, grace of Jesus and the communion of the Holy Spirit!

2007-05-04T04:25:00.000-07:00

Going to China tomorrow morning, so wish everyone peace and safety:)

It is so surreal that this is finally materialising, the past week had been so uncertain, turbulent and stressful.

But our Lord had been so faithful, being ever so patient with my kan-chongness - always wanting answers straight away, being so efficient that I lack sensitivity to others around me. He looked down with forgiveness as I shouted at a certain some one and showed irritation with a couple more, during the times of distress. And He took my hand firmly through it all.

With everything happening, and one obstacle after another, He did not carry me when the going got tough, instead, he gently lead me by the hand and by the heart.

He tugged and pulled gently when I was slowing down or losing heart.

He waited patiently with my hand in His when I needed to stop and rest at the side of the journey.

He watched for fresh fruits to quench my thirst, and soft bread when I was hungry.

Despite being busy and exhausted, God fanned off sickness, and gave me wings to fly.

As I embark on my first mission trip to the great mighty land I feel so closely connected to - may I remember Ephesians 6:10-18,

' Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.

Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.

Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness,

and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace.

In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one;

and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God,

praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints "

Praise God for this great opportunity. As I held my faith in the Lord, he delivered time and again.

" Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. " -Psalm 37:4.

Thanks Aunty Merrilyn and Arthur for the verses of encouragment!

2007-04-18T08:51:00.000-07:00

Just came back from OCF camp two days, the Spirit of God is still strong within and around me. Please linger on like this forever...

Bask me in the love and grace and glory of you, Lord.

OCF camp was phenomenal! 4 days, 3 nights, 4 lost souls won, 1 strayed sister rededicated to God. Amazing results, Praise God!

During the camp, I publicly dedicated my 100% to God, and as I knelt at the front of the altar, I prayed for God to open my eyes and heart, and reveal his intended purpose for my life. Show me the way and I will follow. Give me your hand and I submit my all to you, Lord.

Not only was the Spirit of God so real during the camp, I discovered both through experience, prompting from the Holy Spirit, as well as peer feedback, what some of my spiritual gifts are.

And it is upon realization on my spiritual gifts that I start marveling at those of others, such as teaching, pastoral/shepherding which I lack the gifts for. And I am so appreciative of the wonderful gifts God has granted to each of us Christians. Instead of feeling proud, I am greatly humbled by my limitations, and I am reminded of the body of Church needing all the limbs to function as a whole.

As a baby evangelist, my heart lies in the mission fields, and without realizing it, God had planted a passion all consuming and strong within me. Now that I know that is actually my gift, it explains the strange greater than average passion I had for evangelism all along.

God has a purpose for me, and I believe God will use me to fulfill the Great Commission!

Amen!

2007-04-01T18:02:00.000-07:00

" How can you save the day if you're a million miles away? "

I love the scent of milk and apricolt on my skin.

I love the feeling of cool air brushing against my face.

I love being alone in the depths of the night.

I love the way the grass is the prettiest shade of green.

I love how God works in mysterious ways.

I love my friends that listen when I talk, and talk when I'm tired.

I love the sound of sweet sweet music.

I love missing school when I know it's useless and I won't miss out much:)

I love wearing new clothes.

I love the warm sun in winter.

I love rainy days when I am indoors.

I love myself most of the time.

I love how the world has soooooooo many people to befriend

I love going to Coles in the middle of the night.

I love silk.

I love big big animals.

I love wasting time like this.

But there is a point to this..

Despite my struggles and hating so many things around me (at times), there are soooooo many things to love none-the-less.

Have a great Holy week leading up to Easter!

2007-03-19T07:12:00.000-07:00

As a lawyer to be, the verses below I must keep to heart and follow accordingly.

" The ruthless will vanish, the mockers will disappear,
and all who have an eye for evil will be cut down-
those who with a word make a man out to be guilty,
who ensnare the defender in court
and with false testimony deprive the innocent of justice."

Isaiah 29: 20-21

2007-03-17T18:44:00.000-07:00

Praise God!
My heartbreaking, emotionally toiling church quest has finally...come to an end.
'draw close to me and I will draw close to you'. Amen.
Every single prayer I had silently or publicly said had been answered. I tearfully prayed for a church I could love just like Jesus had loved so dearly.
I prayed for meaningful fellowships, unbroken friendships, close spiritual friends. I prayed that I would never feel lonely with God by my side ever again.
And God faithfully answered every single one of my prayers.
Sure there are still pending prayers, but I trust that with God as my tender shepherd, I will never be lost again.
Recently, I had been so busy with school and meeting with fellow Christians and other friends alike, that somehow I felt like I was neglecting God.
Then I realized how i was distancing myself away from the most faithful, loving, important figure in my life. And I am so sorry Lord for the times when I fell asleep after an exhausting day of activities, not reading your word, or praising your name.
Sorry lord, because you alone are worthy of praise. And nothing is as important as loving you with all my heart, my mind, my soul and my strength. Help me Lord to always priotise you first, above all.

'The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.' Psalm 138:8

2007-01-24T09:27:00.000-08:00

Hi all! A very very lagged entry. Sorry to my dear friends for my disappearing act this past month, I had been traveling into Malaysia (and I am currently in JB) for most part of the week. Hope everyone's good back home.

I had alot of thoughts floating around in my head for the past two nights, and I decided to verbalize it here. Umm.. I am going to write my New Year resolution today! (very lagged)

This year, my resolution's gonna be a little different. Instead of seeking physical goals, I will be basing my resolutions on the achievement of spiritual and character building goals.

(1) Grow close to God, my friend, Father, Master and King. --> A growth in faith, hope and love.

(2) Let my happiness be not based on hormones or what people do and say, but because of having the joy of the Holy Spirit living in me.

(3) Continue my spiritual walk with God each night, as growing close to Him, pleasing Him and serving Him is meaning of my life.

(4) Allow me to work hard at school, to be a shining example of God's blessing and grace.

(5) Let me bitch less, and evangelise more.

(6) Strengthen my character, so I do not succumb to the will of Man, but rise to live according to the will of God.

(7) Control my temper, and my tongue.

(8) Save more money, to become a Kingdom builder oneday.

(9) Join a church and serve the body of the church in any way possible.

(10) Hopefully go on at least one mission trip by the end of the year.

(11) Let me not judge other Christians but learn from the faithful.

I have been reading God's word consistently for the past few months, but somehow I feel a lack of absolute faith and certainty of my salvation, and of my love and dependance on Christ. Many a times as I sit reading Rick Warren's
" Purpose Driven Life" with Ber, my heart is filled with confusion and at times ridicule at the Christian faith, and Ber's devotion.

It felt like my heart was hardened by God and I was so irrationally angry at God, that I was ready to live a God-less life like before, and even go to Hell for it.

But Ber who is strong in faith pulled me back from the pits of fire and lies fed by Satan, and he was my walking companion in my search for God.

I used to pray not having any desire to talk to this 'higher being', neither did I want to read His word - the Bible. However, night after night, I religiously sat down with Ber to do quiet time. My mind was on it, but sometimes my heart was troubled.

Who is this God? Why doesnt he have a form and shape, so I may worship him? How am I supposed to pray with faith and conviction when I cannot imagine his face or the beginning and end of his body?

How is He a God of love if He allow humans to be born, carry the sins from Adam and Eve, and risk going to Hell?

I was filled with so much anger, even though my mind was certain that the Bible is the Truth.

My prayer with God had always been very simple, my prayer item consisted of only three things, (1) God please increase my faith. (2) Let me find ways to serve you Lord, let me do your will. (3) Help me to evangelise your word to my friends and family as the opportunity arises.

Four days ago, I realized that my life was so comfortable, so perfect, that I forget to depend on God. So I prayed for God to bring problems, issues anything negative into my life. Let me feel God's gracious comfort and love through my suffering.

On 22nd Jan, Ber's 21st birthday, I walked into the Chapel with Ber at his request. In the Sanctuary, I finally felt God's presence in the church. I prayed for these three things again. But mostly for faith.

The faithful Lord answered my prayer, by placing problems ahead of me.

I was angry with Ber for some things he had said and done. He in turn got angry with me. As we both sat in silence, fuming in the back seat of his mother's car, God's words struck me, "love thy neighbour as thyself". "watch thy tongue".

An enormous wave of regret washed over me, and I realized I had caved in to the temptation of anger. I confessed to the Lord for my sin, and asked for forgiveness. Immediately, I felt a light touch of comfort, and I was filled with joy, for I have been forgiven!

Unlike my old self, this new, born again, child of God, became disinterested in the argument of Right and Wrong. I no longer pursued the artificial victories by cornering Bernard to realize he was in the wrong. May he be right or wrong, I should be filled with love (patience, joy, kindness, humbleness).

Despite the argument, I drew strength from God's unfailing love, and joyfully passed on the love and forgiveness.

As couples know, when the heat of the argument has not yet dissipated, it is very hard to apologise humbly. I always found it extremely difficult, and even when I did apologise, I did it with the intention of using reverse psychology on him, to make him apologize too.

But who cares about trivial matters, when God has extinguished my anger and replaced it with generous love?

The point of my story above is not to glorify my 'big heartedness'. Because honestly my friends, I am not big hearted at all. I am very sensitive about all the small things, and it was only with the mighty strength of God that I am able to forgive and forget small retarded matters like that.

The point of my story is to celebrate this great joy I feel in my heart. It is to give the glory back to God! This feeling of thankfulness I am brimming with, because God has been so faithfull. He listens to our prayers even when we had doubt in our hearts. He guides me, and watches over me, He gives me strength to be a better person. Strength and determination that I cannot muster from within myself. He helps me fulfill the resolutions I set for myself, resolutions I have failed to achieve year after year.

Suddenly I feel so much hope. Because all the things deemed impossible to change before, seem so possible.

It is of immense comfort knowing that our Father Almighty forgives us for our sins once we confess, because Jesus Christ had already cleansed us of our sins before we were born and did a single bad thing!!

All we have to do is believe, and seek, and we are promised to receive! Not necessarily material wealth or physical health, but who need those things, when I can receive an eternal gift of heavenly life!

Dear friends, this is such excellent news, and my heart is bursting to share all that I feel and know with everyone one of you!!

2006-11-22T05:12:00.000-08:00

I'm finishing the term. One last paper to go and I will back on Sat!

2006-11-01T09:17:00.000-08:00

"Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning?
And who told the ocean, you can only come this far?
And who showed the moon where to hide till evening?
Whose words alone can catch a falling star?

Well I know, my redeemer lives
I know, my redeemer lives
All of creation testify
This life within me cries
I know, my redeemer lives!"

- Nicole Mullen, Redeemer

2006-10-29T02:58:00.000-08:00

Hi dear friends! Thanks much for the tags, totally brightened my days!!

Ummm...let's see, what have i been up to for the past week?

Well, this weekend went past really fast. I am so blessed to have wonderful friends inviting and introducing me into their homes and lives!

Saturday was spent at Hannah's. A huge beautiful house with a colonial interior and very very tasteful furnitures, paintings, carpet everything. The 5 of us sat by the fireplace and occasionally threw wood logs bought fresh from the Hills. We talked about all kinds of things, shared quite a few laughs. We chatted with the aroma of freshly brewed coffee, and baked spring rolls. It was l-o-v-el-y. the warmth from a fireplace feels so gentle, the glow was so subtle yet intense at the same time. Before we were aware of it, it was already 2am! How time flies with the right company!

Today was equally exciting! Me and a couple of other friends from Uni were invited to Sari's house for Deepavli celebration with her great extended family! Her parents are sooo nice, and so were her uncles, since it was her uncle's house to begin with. Sari's family have established almost an empire here in little Adelaide, as all uncles are either doctors - cardio, NET, neuro and more or lawyers.

And I bonded with her parents in a 'special' way today cos I found out her dad's an AC boy. And the best part to come... her mum was from RGS and her name is encarved on the huge wooden thingy hanging in RGS hall - she was a Head Prefect!!!! I thought she really reminded me of Azi (our batch head prefect).

It was very fun, and i rediscovered the yummy-li-cious-ness of bone marrow. YUM.

Okay have a great week ahead my lovely friends - JEJE!! CHERYL (yes bernard is in one piece, a little broken but i glued him back), and last but not least, my lovely little shuyan! And everyone else too! May God bless our week ahead abundantly!

2006-10-24T03:08:00.000-07:00

Decided to take positive steps to change my tagboard to flooble instead. Realized I missed my friends' encouragements, comments etc since the tagboard started messing up.

Can't wait for the month to come. Last bit of school - lecture, tuts and assignments, then study week and exams! Ah. Fully pumped with adrenaline.

Though this year had been pretty tough, at this point in the school year, I am happy and all set to do it all over again next year and the year after.

And before i go, just a little something for three of my special friends - Shuyan, Daffy and Cheryl:

Shuyan

You have no idea how much your presence in Australia (sadly Melbourne though hehe) means to me. Everything we do together is wonderful and you are wonderful:) You are always so appreciative of me as a sister and as a friend, and that to me, is a sign of your love and friendship. So please don't ever feel like you were not there for me, cos to me, you were and always will be part of my life!

Btw, do you want Choya (the Jap healthy wine thingy cos I left it in Melb, thinking you might want it. There's still quite alot left so send me a msg or sth, and I will tell Ber k!

Daffy

Hey dearie! Thanks sooo much for that call on Sunday! There are so many gaps for us to fill in each other's lives so thanks heaps for doing just that!

You single-handedly reminded me that we are never alone no matter how lonely we feel at times. Just pick up the phone and we both will find perfect companionship. right right?

Cheryl

firstly a disclaimer warning: this might appear too mushy for Cheryl to take and at the end of reading this paragrah, you will be grabbed by two strong hands cos Betty forced a hug on you!

*hugs*

there you go.

Well, Cherrrry, thanks for always being so patient with me, especially when it comes to my spiritual beliefs. thanks for still believing in me and not giving up despite the NUMEROUS backlashes I have/had. Like I said, you are the most not-touchy Christian I know, but that doesn't stop you from being one of the best believers too:)

And apart from that, you are still talking to me even though I have been the lousiest friend ever. And you deserve a truck load of pennies (the British pound) for that!

hugs and kisses to all three of you (and a handkerchief for cheryl to wipe my saliva off her cheeks when I am done)

2006-10-14T22:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, in a brave attempt to be random (and also cos I miss my niuniu soooo much), I've decided to surf online for dog breeds.

I absolutely love tiny dogs and the only bigger ones I like are either cos they are tooo cute to not like, or they are white. (yes i love white dogs).

When I get a job, I am going to start up a family with a nice apartment and my tiny little dog. I will feed the dog milk, and teach it how to crawl, take a billion and one pictures and allow it to sleep on my king size bed.

Dogs are so much better than babies or children. They are less noisy and annoying, they are loyal and useful (unlike babies). They don't bite your nimples when you feed them, they dont talk rubbish to hurt your feelings or reveal your secrets, and best of all, they don't grow up into a huge thing by which they leave you sad and lonely all over again, because they found someone else to stick to and torture.

The only problem would be the inability to share my genes with the doggy.

2006-10-13T10:50:00.000-07:00

Update update:)

I finished a total of 3 assignments, 3 presentations and much much more in the past 7 days.

Yesterday I learnt to love myself and if I can have a fairytale even for a day, it will be worth it.

I am going to stop playing it safe. I am going to throw away my million and one 'what if's. I am going to be happy and free.

I will find the perfect storm that can sweep me away. I will search the whole wide world if I need to, but one day I will find it, i will find you.

Or, you can find me first:)

I will be waiting.

A: But Samantha I love you.

Sam: I love you too. But... I love me more.

- Sex and the city season 5

2006-10-01T04:42:00.000-07:00

Time for an update.

my holidays are coming to an end. This semester is going to be a short but hectic one. Hopefully everything turns out good!

I went to Melb again for most part of the hols to spend some quality time with Ber. Somehow it turned out to be quantity time. Guess we both need time to adjust to having each other around all the time cos we hardly experienced that.

I need to find the right balance between being the perfect sweetie pie gf, and still staying independant and driven.

It's hard to focus on anything else but him whenever I'm with him. It's like I never got out of the 'fresh get together, crazy in love' stage of our relationship. Call me slow or what not, cos after being tog for quite a while already, maybe I should go into the next stage.

but truth is, i like it this way. and secretly i hope this stays the same.

Apart from that, I came back to Adelaide and had this disturbing feeling of nostalgia, and I was asking myself who I missed. Was it melb?? Not really. As lovely as some of the days were, I was almost glad to have some time away from that place. Then it must be Singapore. Cos I have such a wonderful bunch of friends there, friends I havent seen or heard from since I got back. Friends I used to hang out 24/7 but still not get sick, pissed off or irritated by. Friends I can't get enough of, friends I still want and long for.

Just to name a few, I've got Belle, Cheryl, Daffy, Jeje, Baoxin, Br,Zhen, Yun, Wilson and so on. The list is as great for my love for them, and the memories we had and the memories we will have.

So this post is out to these people that made the person I am today. The people I always hold close to my heart, and no distance can take away:)

love always,
ur crazy, sweet, chubbs-ish friend,

Betty,
forever.

2006-09-04T08:11:00.000-07:00

I need a moment alone with myself.

Please leave me alone in school, walk on. I want to be able to walk to the library or gym or canteen whenever wherever. Stop following me.

PLEASE..

I am going crazy.

I am not a social person so please stop sticking to me. Don't force me to avoid you. I really dont want to.

2006-09-02T02:06:00.000-07:00

finally 12 hours of sleep.

The weeks have been so hectic simply because I have school or melbourne or work or gym.

Thursday was a good break (not that I have been studying much). Sari's uncle's house is HUGE and trust me when i say huge. It has a huge pool and a field in the backyard.. And they have a heated tile floor in the master bedroom! luxury down to the little details.

Sari was a great host though she got a little too stressed at first. Haha.. she got annoyed with kavi for not being able to find the dog food haha. I was the proud chips pourer (pouring chips into lovely large white bowls). I was also the drinks stocker before the party began. Such a great turn out. Those law guys are a buncha' crazy people but so much fun to be with.

Would love to go into details but I think other than the chips pouring and the size of the house...everything else that happened in the night was XXX censored and me aint gonna get myself killed for the expose.

All I can say is...I had tons of fun drinking and dancing, pouring water on this guy's head cos he was a dickhead. Besides that everything was pretty much a blurry whirlpool.

my fortune cookie last night said if i have *52* children, I will know what life is about. hahahaha. yeah sure. Let's go make love worlddddd.

Anyway hope everyone at home's well.

2006-08-21T08:12:00.000-07:00

It's been a hell of a depressing semester for me so far.

But somehow i feel like things are going to change for the better from here.

Emotions are so illusive. You can never really explain how you feel until you realize why you are feeling this way.

I still havent worked out why I am feeling this way, but I guess organising my life around it helps.

Showing concern, spending time on others make you realize just how much one would be missing if he chooses to live in solitude. Thankfully I snapped out of it.

haha. Farewell anti-socialism.

Welcome...uh...socialism?

2006-08-16T10:14:00.000-07:00

Some of us want silver linings
To be the belle of the ball
Going down in a blaze of glory
The story means nothing at all

I don't want the sun don't want you to run
Don't want superman don't need wonderland
Just want you to love me

What bull.. Wanting someone to love you will leave you in pain you idiot. Because you will be courting someone whose heart you can never really have. So go be the belle at the ball or reach for your stardust, cos at least that way you are appreciated.

2006-08-13T07:03:00.000-07:00

This is to CHERYL.

WOMAN...

M
I
S
S
I
N
G

yoU.

2006-08-03T09:25:00.000-07:00

So what happens from now?

Alright, maybe I am weak. And I should finally drop the burden of always lifting my own and everyone else's problems on my worn out back.

If only you just listened.. I might have shared more.

And now everything might be too late. I actually stopped wanting to share.

Geez, what a crap day for me. Hope tmr gets better.

2006-08-03T08:44:00.000-07:00

Bon Voyage and love always from Adelaide.

Rahul left Australia today. After studying for 2 years with more months of work, he finally flew off. This is perhaps just one of the many goodbyes I will saying to my new friends in this once foreign and confusing land.

It is a pity the way we always neglect the people that matter to us until we have to say goodbye. The small things we could have gone out of the way to do seems so important now, compared to the minute, selfish inconveniences facing us back then. We don't realise how important freedom is until we commit to a relationship, we often forget how much our family loves us till a time comes when we have to part.

Rahul is my first friend at work. I have come such a long way and he was with me every step of the way. Whenever I work the early shift, I will make coffee for him with 3 teaspoons of sugar. In return, he will come to the front area and bug me when he's bored. And if I end early and I beg him enough, he will make my favourite thai salad with extra coriander and lime juice. He'll smoke while I eat and eat and eat. He told me about his plans of getting a decent job and I will tell him how I have no idea what I want to do. However, opportunities don't always exist at the places you hope for them to be. Which is why he has to leave.

goodbyes. Friends cry for the cherished memories and the space that will be left behind. Perhaps to them, it was more than that. Maybe it was for an even greater emptiness that I am already feeling.

whenever people ask me how am i, I say 'not bad' or 'good'. And I am not lying cos it is good when I am not thinking about it. When I don't sit down and wonder again what really matters. When I keep moving, keep walking and waking and talking and smiling. Just as long as I don't stop, and think. My life's turning out into a charade. The kind of one man show I think of, and put up all by myself. Where I express everything I think i am feeling in a short sentence or two. And nothing goes deeper than the surface.

But anyway... as i said, the world goes on. But while this moment lingers I should say it all..

So, while my friend is sitting in an aeroplane, dreaming of his long-awaited reunion, and an exciting future..His adoring friends are flying right beside him. And if he opens his cabin window and look into the darkness hard enough, he will see the constellation aligning themselves for him.

Yupp.

That's us. Love you lots, our favourite boy. xoxo.

2006-07-29T21:06:00.000-07:00

"It's so hard to get old without a cause
I don't want to perish like a fading horse
Youth is like diamonds in the sun
and diamonds are forever

Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever?
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever?"

2006-07-26T19:50:00.000-07:00

Sem's started and is well underway.

This sem's topics are so interesting I cant wait to get started on the readings!

Other than law, I've decided to take Environmental politics and Family, State and Society (Socio). And if i am not cheated...haha both should be great!

Anyway, for those back home, miss you and love you lots.

And just to ease anyone's worry (should there be any), I am happy and excited to start the sem. Last sem's friends have become old familiar faces and provides a sense of comfort and support.

GTG now. Will keep pple updated. And do likewise too k!

2006-07-18T07:04:00.000-07:00

FUCK you, the man wearing a white shirt with a girlfriend at Tangs Orchard, who stole my new purchases.

FUCK you, you and you for stealing my things. Don't you know theft is a crime, especially if it's from clueless, harmless, trusting individuals like me??? Don't you know that i am not a profit-making organisations with billions of profit each year, and that makes me just like you? How would you like it if i stole your newly bought shaver? or sports shoes? Or condom???? HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THAT ASSHOLE?

And if your girlfriend keeps the set of make up for herself, she is every inch a bitch like you are a dick. Go knock yourselves out. And I meant that sarcastically.

Anyway, for those that managed to make me smile....or laugh. Love you lots though some of you gave me a headache too...girls...know who i'm talking about right? hahaha.

2006-07-16T12:02:00.001-07:00

The absurdity of it all is giving me a severe headache. I seem to be developing headaches habitually now. Maybe my brain is trying to tell me something. Maybe I should STOP frying eggs on it every single day.

My horridly short holiday is coming to an end (Sat). Other than when i registered for my law modules, I have successfully avoided contact with a computer...which then pushes the responsibility of registering my Arts and Commerce modules to tomorrow.

On a comforting note, maybe that will force me to visit the school on a more regular basis. Okay. Mid semester resolutions,

1. I will go for ALL law tutorials.

2. I will wake up for my 9 am lecture.

3. I will pon Arts and Commerce lectures BUT i must watch the lectures online.

4. I will find a better paying job.

5. I shall shed my winter flabs for the second time round *sigh.

6. I will go for Adult bible study on Tuesdays.

7. I will finish reading the required readings BEFORE class. (good luck)

8. I will go chat with the Uni psychologist and maybe get free relaxation sessions with aromatherapy to enhance the experience.

9. I will be friendly. BTBFG.

loving the soil (cement really) i tread. Loving yous.

Nights to the whole world!

Ps, Betty is really happy because she found herself a full-time confidante. yay!

2006-07-16T12:02:00.000-07:00

The absurdity of it all is giving me a severe headache. I seem to be developing headaches habitually now. Maybe my brain is trying to tell me something. Maybe I should STOP frying eggs on it every single day.

My horridly short holiday is coming to an end (Sat). Other than when i registered for my law modules, I have successfully avoided contact with a computer...which then pushes the responsibility to register my Arts and Commerce modules to tomorrow.

On a comforting note, maybe that will force me to visit the school on a less irregular basis. Okay. Mid semester resolutions,

1. I will go for ALL law tutorials.

2. I will wake up for my 9 am lecture.

3. I will pon Arts and Commerce lectures BUT i must watch the lectures online.

4. I will find a better paying job.

5. I shall shed my winter flabs for the second time round *sigh.

6. I will go for Adult bible study on Tuesdays.

7. I will finish reading the required readings BEFORE class. (good luck)

8. I will go chat with the Uni psychologist and maybe get free relaxation sessions with aromatherapy to enhance the experience.

9. I will be friendly. BTBFG.

loving the soil (cement really) i tread. Loving yous.

Nights to the whole world!

2006-07-01T11:58:00.000-07:00

I'm blogging with niu niu by my feet and the sound of my dad watching soccer in the background. Ahhh...home sweet home:)

Nothing beats a flight back to home.

2006-06-29T04:22:00.000-07:00

I am always so touched when old buddies occasionally drop by and tag on my humble board. Thanks Jin and Zhen!!

ANYWAY!!! I finished!!! All done, neatly typed, footnoted and referenced. WooHoo.

After 2 back-to-back law exams, accounting exam, law memo, and last but not least... the Arts research project... I AM FREE.

Will be back in Singapore on 1st July (this Sat) and hope to catch up with every little darlings there.

And Daffy! So sorry i came home that night and I went straight to bed cos the night before i stayed up to finish the law assignment. And yesterday I was doing the Arts assignment. Hope you are feeling better! I'll be fully crammed tomorrow but I will try to give you a call, if not I'll DEFINITELY call you in Sg kkk? sorry horr dar.

2006-06-13T07:41:00.000-07:00

Take care my dear. Love from across the ocean:)

Revelations: Peace at heart starts with reconciliation with the self. Anger need go no further. Let love melt all frustrations into mellowed nonexistence.

Less than a week till exams! This sinking irration fear is terrible. Off again..for revision.

To my lovely girls, enjoy your hols and see you when i return!!

2006-06-04T21:45:00.000-07:00

Thanks May for the songs!!!

I just grabbed many many songs from the wonderful Maybelline who stayed awake just for me. *thankssss*

The post below is dedicated to my old pals I love sooo much..

"And memories are flooding back to me faster than I can type them out.. I miss my dearest friends so very much. And even though we move forward, it's inevitable to keep looking back on the fond and sometimes not so fond memories. Because they are just part of us, part of who we are.

Ness, Br... remember those lower sec days when we kept singing and writing song lyrics to each other, getting lost in the melodies and imagined worlds of those wonderful songs.. I can't forget us singing to Aqua's "we belong to the sea", memorizing just about all the songs from M2M, bringing up even older songs like Michael Learns to Rock "25 minutes" (Nesss!!!)

And remember our morning routines in RG, meeting up every morning before assembly at the round table nearest to the drink stall. And we will talk and laugh about the most random things in the world. Our "squash" clique PLUS BETTY haha. Those were the days when you girls were using pagers (while I was uncontactable), and Jamie was teaching me (the toot one) how to make free calls using the RG public phone. She used to impart to us the magical world of being attached, and being pampered by a
......BOY!!! (my goodness)

Wait, another incident just popped to mind.. I remember so vididly one of the girls recounting to me how she passed the apple Jega wanted Michelle to have cos in those days they were meant to be hush hush. And to fast forward to NOW, they have come such a looooong way, starting from the apple. haha:)

And what else...ohh!! I used to come to school and tell them all the random things that can happen to me on my way to school! and somehow i always seem to have plenty of strange happenings (especially with cab drivers). And come to think of it...those were the days when i actually went to school early enough to chat before assembly. Or more like..those were the days I even went to school.

And another song that comes to mind while thinking of that round table of ours, is strangely, Bosson's "one in a million". think Jamie started circulating that song, or was it Jess?? Then there was Selena's "dreaming of you"...

Now that I think back on everything, I realize that there are sooo many reasons why they are the best friends in the world. And I will not trade them for anything else.

There are those talking sessions with Baoxin (when she was still the FOREVER happy one), smudging our faces together and just silly hugging and chatting. Watching her play squash and go "WHOA!!!"..

Then of course there's my Bao rong, the one I watched rise higher and higher in all aspects of life, and become someone I am truly proud of. Knowing her "humble" beginnings (actually not that humble cos she got like DAMN high for PSLE). It was terrifying watching her play squash though haha cos she is THE MOST SERIOUS player i have ever seen and trust me, her competitiveness is scary enough to kill.. But anyway she worked on her competitve temper thing but retained her ambition and determination, so she's Purrrfecto now! The song that goes with BR is umMm..PICTURE PERFECT.. Remember how we did that for Speech and Drama in sec2? Partners. hahaa. We made up all those super cute movements that follow precisely to the lyrics! And Sarah Mcsth's "will you remember me"

NESSSSS. The super smart but appear quite slack all the time friend. hahaha..i remember going to her house to "study" but in the end I end up watching TVee and singing with her.. HAHA..oh man the singing. NESS!! Remebmer there was this one afternoon at your place when you were playin the piano, and making up sad melodies, while I Was narrating this sad sad STORY? hahaha..something about somebody loving someone but that someone is dying or sth. We are crazy man. And with ness, the song that comes to my head is, "2 AM"!! And alot of others that i forgot the title to.

Jess...umMm. Okay alot of other things pop to mind, but i dont remember being all that song crazy with jess. I wasnt all that close to her till later years of sec school. Same goes to Mich, HuiPing and Jamie. Maybe cos we werent from the same class.

And then upper Sec comes, I remember singing Mouling Rouge with LinJin during PE while playing Volley Ball i think. She was so amazed I could reach all the notes and Marie-anne and Valerie were there too!

Then I became chinese song crazy thanks to Jay Chou. Then Zhen and Yun and I sang his songs like endlessly...okay..actually we usually just listen to it endlessly.

My Goodness. So many memories. So overwhelmed. That was the blessing of being in a all girl's school. That was the blessing of being young, innocent and free. Old friends, old songs. Thank you so much for growing up along with me! Even though it's kinda sad a huge part of that closeness has been replaced by others in our lives (eg, boyfriends), we must always keep that this little colourful door open for each other.

XOXO, betty.

2006-06-03T12:02:00.000-07:00

It's such an unearthly time. I am cold and hungry and sad and i want my MacDreamy. But my MacDreamy is probably taking a power nap before waking up to face his world of bones and nerves and cells and God knows what else. Miss my MacDreamy. Good luck with your exams:)

2006-05-29T10:24:00.000-07:00

Something just popped into my mind.

Ber is actually really very cute. Especially when I am pmsing and he gets so into the whole "ease betty's turbulent world mission' thing. Love my skinny stick man. MUACK.

Him with his huge eyes and tiny frame. hehe SO CUTE.

2006-05-23T07:54:00.000-07:00

I miss home so so much.

I miss my little sunny island.

2006-05-23T07:37:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I am suffering from post-Melbourne withdrawal symptoms, or maybe it can all be attributed to my approaching 'time of the month'.

I feel so lonely and isolated here. I am searching for some connection with someone, and it seems so hard to find that someone. Feeling like I am so insignificant all over again.

Feel like remembering the better days, but that just makes me even sadder.

Besides accounting is definitely making things no better.

Listening to Cheryl's whole CD of Christian songs, quite comforted. As undeserving as I am, I can still seek comfort in the sanctuary of Christianality.

2006-05-15T09:47:00.000-07:00

I am kinda behind my schedule..

But i am going to melb soon and that takes my worries away (irrationally)

Ahhh..LTA (living together..apart). I miss my smarty pants alot!

And I miss you and you and youuuu too.

Cheryl and Drea I miss spending crazy times with you two just talking..and eating. haha.

2006-05-11T11:13:00.000-07:00

seeeeee youuuuuu soon, but never soon or long enough:(

2006-05-11T11:08:00.000-07:00

Studying always make my mind drift...to you. This was from Ber's one week hols to Adelaide.

2006-05-11T03:35:00.000-07:00

This is loooong over-due.

For Debby and Maybelline my dear roomie and housemate respectively.

Happy 21st and 19th!

Sorry I was busy with my assignment so I wasnt of much help other than the decor. But I'm sure you both know I love you:)

2006-05-11T03:34:00.000-07:00

Bouncer and I

2006-05-11T03:32:00.000-07:00

My baby and I

2006-05-11T03:31:00.000-07:00

Da and I

2006-05-11T03:30:00.002-07:00

Jol and I

2006-05-11T03:30:00.001-07:00

Sweet Ida

2006-05-11T03:30:00.000-07:00

One of our bouncers

2006-05-11T03:29:00.001-07:00

Raffles House transformed

2006-05-11T03:29:00.000-07:00

Pretty pretty

2006-05-11T03:28:00.001-07:00

Early guests

2006-05-11T03:28:00.000-07:00

May tied to cute Takuji with the animal fur cuffs haha.. HOT ah

2006-05-11T03:19:00.000-07:00

Our Debby, mask-wearing-whip-holding-slave -driver

2006-05-11T03:18:00.000-07:00

So glad you two bday girls had fun:)

2006-05-11T03:15:00.001-07:00

More photos of the day girl with her seniors

2006-05-11T03:15:00.000-07:00

Grace practising her moves with err..a strange expression

2006-05-11T03:14:00.001-07:00

Drinking begins

2006-05-11T03:14:00.000-07:00

Med first yr (just him)

2006-05-11T03:13:00.001-07:00

Med yr 2s

2006-05-11T03:13:00.000-07:00

More group photo

2006-05-11T03:12:00.000-07:00

All of us (from Raffles House)..multicultural week:)

2006-05-11T03:11:00.000-07:00

photo session (Raffles House) girls

2006-05-11T03:07:00.001-07:00

Jol our pro bartender

2006-05-11T03:07:00.000-07:00

returning home with red faces and happy

2006-05-11T03:06:00.000-07:00

getting high and kinky

2006-05-11T02:43:00.000-07:00

Birthday girls of the year!

2006-05-08T07:29:00.000-07:00

My internet has been down and I havent really put in much effor to come online cos of my Research report assignment. Now that THAT's done, I have three more assignments sitting quietly on my table waiting to sneak up on me. *groan* Anyway here's some good thoughts to keep me smiling.. Going to Melb to see ber again! Real soon. But never soon enough it feels haha.

And I wrote the following last night after suffering from a boredom fit.

I treasure every short meeting, every kiss, and every glance.

I want to capture everything so I will remember and so can you.

We have created so many memories from scratch. Our building - our brick castle is half complete. Let’s finish it beautifully. And we shall spend the rest of forever living in our magnificent pink fortress:)

2006-04-19T06:07:00.000-07:00

It's been a whirlwind of a week. Ber has visited Adelaide and left. We left our footprints along the coast of Victor Harbor, on the calm waters of Glenelg Beach, in the vineyards of Barossa... It has been a wonderful holiday for me and him. Just what we needed to keep this semi-long distance relationship alive and passionate.

Some may call this a short-distance relationship (aka normal rs), but I would beg to differ. We might be in the same country but we are 10 hours apart by car, 1 hr 10 min away by plane and 3248098458439535 Hrs apart by foot. We don't see each other every weekend. We can't anticipate the ending of things such as NS cos our earliest graduation date is in 6 years' time. I think long-distance takes alot of commitment because we have to imagine one anothers' unspoken and unseen needs and lifestyles. At times I feel like he's never there and he can never be there for me, and I am no longer emotionally connected with him anymore. And it's only holidays or times together such as this Easter break which reassures me (again) of my love and adoration for the sweet one.

2006-04-12T04:03:00.000-07:00

Argh.

Argh.

Argh.

I need a superman to save me from this disaster.

I am so sick of everything. Sick of the same of old voices in my head, telling me the same old things. Following the same old lines of reasoning.

I am so sick of the same old conversations, same old expressions, same old me, same old you.

I am sick of myself strutting around making conversations that are skin deep.

I want a break through. I want to break through. Help me.

2006-04-10T00:58:00.000-07:00

wow..holidays. Never knew it could feel this good.

But what am i doing in the uni library then?

I just cant wait for June. Like all the teachers have been saying over and over again. this is not a holiday. It is a study break. Yeah right.

Just for those who are curious, bernard is coming over to Adelaide on Thurs.

I am sooo cranky lately don't know whats wrong with me. can't be post MS can it? whatever.

2006-04-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

2nd round mooting is later today. Completely unprepared but none-the-less feeling tranquilized. Like the after effects of taking anti-depression pills or sth.

the holidays are here. I don't know if I am happy about it or not. I have been waiting sooooo long for this break, but when it's finally here, I almost wished it was later and longer. Later because I think I can still take a couple of weeks before collapsing, and longer because well..quite DUH..Holidays are good stuff.

Actually school has been really good. It is amazing how much I learnt in the past couple of weeks. Everytime I grasp some abstract concept or see a glimpse of the big picture in law and accounting..well I don't even know how to describe such a feeling. It feels like all my time and efforts are worth while and I am doing the right thing with my life. That I am in control of my life and my future. Like I am finally a student again. Basically I feel like I am on top of the world. hahaha. I know it sounds lame and crazy but I love all the readings I have to plough through, plus all the assignments too. They make me feel like I am actually learning something and growing as I learn. Amazing. And as toot as this may sound, I love being a law student!

But still, students need holidays and they..are..finally HERE!! Just tmr..then freedom:)

2006-04-04T16:51:00.000-07:00

Well Moots first round is over.

There's the good news and the bad news.

Let's see, good news is..

I got into the next round

Bad news is..

I bearly made it.

And then good news AGAIN..

I decided to continue this self torturing thing. Now I am aiming for anything above 65 points and if I get there, I will buy myself a pair of boots as reward. But if I don't make it, I will buy a pair of boots anyway cos it's getting cold, and it's giving me cold feet. muahaha.

2006-04-02T07:21:00.000-07:00

This week is going to be crazy busy.

Two competitions coming up..

Mooting and Witness Examination.

Then accounting assignment and Torts assignment. *sigh*

But it's going to be exciting too. Open competitions mean public speaking, and public speaking inevitably mean public humiliation *yay*. Don't I have some great stuff going for me this week heh heh heh.

well nights to the world!

2006-03-30T02:50:00.000-08:00

Accounting exercise [check]
sociology assignment [check]
case study [ ummMm check]

Rushed to uni in a cab to hand in the law assignment at 3.45pm, when the bloody thing is due at 4pm SHARP. Ran around the law campus looking for the lab and a printer, had to format my assignment with double spacing which took me awhile to figure out (with help). Time assignment was handed in: 3.59 tick tock.

hmm..

I think it's becoming a habit. And I am getting so hooked on the last minute adrenaline rush of handing in an assignment two seconds before the counter closes. The scuttling around and frantic search for my jacket to hide the peeping PJs, and then for computer lab printers. Ahh..

But seriously, seriously.

I ought to consider breaking the habit.

Before it breaks me.

2006-03-23T02:15:00.000-08:00

Going Melbourne tomorrow. Now all I have to do is get over today.

2006-03-19T12:38:00.000-08:00

Tell me..

Is this feeling I have love?

Is that aching of my heart fondness or passion?

Why am I not sad yet also not happy?

Why do I always come back to these questions? I start by asking if I love you. If I do, why. Then just as I conclude that I am in love, I toss in bed with emptiness. And all I want to feel was...something. I want to taste the tears of anger or loss, cries of happiness, or feel my heart wrenched in the rain, plucked from its cage and thrown to the Heartbreak Pacific. Anything baby. Just give me something to devote all that nasty energy to.

Tell me..

why do i seek cheap thrills when I always say I love mundanity and slacking?

Why do I want to piece every little insignificant details together to get a distorted big picture?

why do I want to have options when I know I won't go for it in the end? Why do I complain and question about you when I know you are nice to me. Not up to my active, exciting (dumb) expectations, you are trying your best. I know that much.

So why, why, why do I still ask why.

Ero claims that when one's love and desires are so strong, they either end up controlling the other person, or surrender completely to them, in the hope that they will stay.

So does it mean anything if one doesn't control or surrender?

I think this is what too much sociology does to you. Makes you think and think till your head bleeds about questions that will never have an answer.

" How could the one i give my heart to
break my heart so bad

how could the one that makes me happy
make me feel so sad

won't somebody tell me so i can understand
if you love me,
how could you hurt me like that?

How could the one i give my world to
throw my world away

How could the one who said 'i love you'
say the things you say

How could the one I stayed so true to
just tell me lies

How can the one I gave my heart to
break this heart of mine

tell me..

How could you be so cold to me
when I gave you everything
All my love, all I had inside

How could you just walk out the door
How could you not love me anymore

I thought we had forever
I can't understand.

How could the one I shared my dreams with
Take away my dream from me

How could the love that brought so much pleasure
bring such misery

Won't somebody tell me
Somebody tell me please

If you love me, how could you do that to me?

tell me.. "

-aaliyah's

2006-03-18T08:41:00.001-08:00

This bed is on fire
with passionate love
the neighbours complain about the noises above
but she only cums when she's on top...
WOOHOOOOoooo

After some deliberation, I crawled out of bed to go for Flinders Law Pubcrawl 06. It was absolutely fun. Thanks Deb and Ber for encouraging me to go:)

The pictures speak louder than words so just help yourselves to them. Some of the actions were not captured, but it was just the norm.. Me getting high and standing on tables, chairs or whatever platform to dance. But thats how I got to meet Liz and Emily the seniors.

I chatted with Kel and Mel, hugged and danced with Kavi, shared a smoke with Hannah, drank with Phatthy and Pete, joked with just about everyone and for all those I didnt name, I had fun with them (you). Thanks for making my night so exciting.

All I can say is, I have really great batch mates and lovely seniors.. Now all I need is lesser workload to have a blast this year.

haha..right.

2006-03-18T08:41:00.000-08:00

On my way home

2006-03-18T08:35:00.000-08:00

fairies plus the pixie (me)

2006-03-18T08:32:00.000-08:00

Impromptu picture! Kelly, Kavi, mel and me

2006-03-18T08:31:00.000-08:00

Couple of the night! Elise is so pretty and she came to support her hubby in the pretty pink shirt too!

2006-03-18T08:29:00.001-08:00

sweetie pies united

2006-03-18T08:29:00.000-08:00

Bubbly Emily and I in the loo:)

2006-03-18T08:28:00.000-08:00

Matt who SMILED and flashes his white pearlys

2006-03-18T08:27:00.000-08:00

he is a really really great guy (in pink too)

2006-03-18T08:24:00.000-08:00

liz hot senior (isnt she soooo sweet)

2006-03-18T08:23:00.000-08:00

lady lovelies

2006-03-18T08:22:00.000-08:00

My torts seminar friends!

2006-03-18T08:21:00.000-08:00

PETE the man in pink

2006-03-18T08:20:00.000-08:00

Having fun fun fun!!

2006-03-18T08:18:00.000-08:00

Kav the hottie and Steven the tall hunk

2006-03-18T08:16:00.001-08:00